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  • Confessions of an Instagrammer #9

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    I cut ties with a boy who I’ve loved (and I still love) and now I’m dealing with the aftermath. Picking up the pieces of something not whole in the first place. It’s difficult. It hurts.

    If only Facebook could charge me for every visit to his wall. I spend hours staring and reading his posts. Looking for hints that he misses me. Reading each line as if they are intended for me. Like he is speaking to me. Like hey, I’m miserable without you. Like I’ve created a void in his life. A small or big void, I don’t care. I just want to know that he cares.

    I can cry everyday but nothing will be the same. Not the way he feels. Not the way I feel.

    I have nothing left to do but move forward. There are no wrong moves, I always say. Every choice is a path we ought to take.

    You take a step forward but stepping backward will not bring you back exactly where you started.

    Everything is irreversible, but the future is endless.

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    The waves won’t stop for you.

  • Confessions of an Instagrammer #8

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    Most of the time, we don’t realize that we have changed until someone points it out. The ugly duckling did not discover that it grew into a beautiful swan until it saw itself on the water.

    Over two years ago, I felt that we were too close for our own good. I was in a terrible place then and he was the only one who listened. He made me happy. I guess I also made him… happy. At least, I hoped so.  It started innocent, yes, but change has its way of ruining things.

    I woke up one day and everything was different. His voice became my favorite song I longed to hear each day. His touch fed me warmth I had never felt for a very long time. His smile made me want to kiss him endlessly.

    I began loving him but he simply didn’t love me back.

    I wanted him to know but I was afraid to lose him. I never told anyone about my truth because I didn’t want it to be true. I even denied it to myself.

    We were friends and that’s the closest I could get. I tried holding on to it. I held on to our daily routine. That every four in the afternoon, he was mine.

    However, sometimes, change is just a decision people make. The beautiful swan could either decide to remain being alone or joyfully flock with the other swans.

    It’s a decision to say goodbye. Goodbye.

    Goodbyes are the worst. #EmbraceChange

  • Confessions of an Instagrammer #7

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    Maintaining a relationship is hard and even harder when you don’t know what that “relationship” is. I know we are more than friends, but I don’t know if he feels the same way. 

    I mean, we text.  Or more truthfully, I text him and he occasionally responds. This was a set up I was willing to live with. This routine made me happy. He made me happy. Perhaps, this was the love I thought I deserved (to quote one of the few books I finished) since this was the closest I could get to him.

    I know I deserve better but each time I try to cut him off, he does something that pulls my heart right back.

    Today, I want to let him go because it hurts. My heart hurts.

    I bought him a piece of his favorite dessert. I texted him and he didn’t respond. I waited in our spot. I called him and he didn’t answer. We were supposed to meet today for our daily afternoon snacks. Minutes passed and still nothing. Maybe it’s intentional that he was avoiding me. Maybe it’s his girlfriend saying that I need to back off.

    Maybe…nevermind.

    The ice cream is starting to melt.

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    Pistachio Ice-Cream Filled Macarons 🙂 #dessert #yummy

  • Confessions of an Instagrammer #6

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    Surprisingly, he did remember my birthday. He greeted me hours late. Better late than never, right? I actually thought he would forget. I hid my birthday in my Facebook profile 6 months ago so there’s no way he would be reminded.

    Maybe he saw my birthday post in Instagram or the greetings on my wall. Maybe he intended for me to get disappointed, to watch the clock strike at 12:00 midnight of the next day, the day that was not my birthday.

    What the hell am I rambling for?! He remembered and that’s all that matters.

    He also gave me roses the next morning.

    I took the flowers and walked away. He followed me BTW.

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    #2Weeks <3

  • Confessions of an Instagrammer #5

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    Birthdays are overrated. At least, that was the old me talking. I did not understand how people could spend so much money and time to thoughtfully celebrate anniversaries of someone’s existence. All the thoughtful planning. What gift to wear. Who to invite. A birthday is just any other day.

    That changed when I started believing in the magic of a birthday wish. Or more truthfully, when I started becoming desperate for something to come true. Something like making him fall in love with me. This would be the third year since I started praying for this wish.

    For him to be mine since I had always been his.

    Time to make my wish. #birthday #hopeful