I turn 27 today. But before last year, I can only count the times when I considered myself genuinely happy. Maybe because I used to see life as a competition where I need to emerge as the winner, the fastest or the best. I believed I had much to prove. I wanted to make everyone proud including myself. Probably I was just wired that way. Or it’s insecurity. That constant need to validate myself. Whatever the reason, it took a lot of tears and disappointment before I changed the way I see happiness. True happiness.
For most people, success brings happiness. To have a successful career, specifically was my goal after graduating college. But the real world hit me really hard years after getting my first job. I won’t go into specifics but sometimes, even if you think you’ve done everything correctly and that you are in control, everything can still go opposite of what you’ve expected. To sum it up quickly, I didn’t get promoted and it affected me in ways I never knew. I got depressed. I cried every day and every night and turned as bitter as a kulubot na ampalaya.
It should have been me. I was hurting and I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. I just had to accept the reality and move on.
Moving on and choosing happiness wasn’t easy. I prayed a lot. The Serenity Prayer helped calm my emotions. I enrolled in different classes and workshops to distract myself. Acting. Sketching. Singing. I also joined company activities, charity events. You name it. Kulang na lang basketball clinic. I figured if I was good and preoccupied with other stuff, I won’t feel as worse. Traveling also helped. Traveling changes you and your perspectives. Being in a foreign land makes your problems seem smaller vs. the world. I made happiness a choice (even if it’s VERY hard). Siyang tunay, I did feel better but these were just temporary distractions because at the end of each day, I’d still go back to square one and start all over again.
This was my cycle for quite some time but indeed, time healed all wounds. It may seem simple and funny but I stopped crying after watching Frozen.The lyrics of “Let It Go” spoke to me. The past is in the past! As much as I related to Elsa’s character journey, I also really envied Anna. I envied her because I used to be like her. Cheerful, carefree, always positive and smiling. I remembered the old me and realized how much I’ve changed. And I decided that’s got to change.
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