My friends and I had constantly traveled since college graduation, but the pandemic put a halt to this. Our last trip together was Bali in 2018. It was memorable because we went mountain biking. Medyo buwis buhay. We biked on highways and roads in between rice paddies. One wrong turn and crash! Anyway, for our first post-(hopefully, post-)pandemic trip, we decided to go local, primarily because the airfare was on sale. Off we go to behold… Bohol, Philippines!
Since it’s the first Monday of the year, I decided just this morning to be more active in blogging. Sayang naman ang domain. But seriously, kahit walang magbasa que se joda. (Literally just google the real meaning of that phrase– to hell with it!). HAHA!
I first got a taste of miso soup at Teriyaki Boy in Tagaytay if I’m not mistaken. I was with my college friend and her dad. They treated me lunch after a plant visit in the Mongol Factory. Yeah, the Mongol Factory. Gosh, I remember feeling nostalgic about it. Imagine having gone their as a child during a field trip in elementary then going their as a junior year college student for a term paper. Anyway, so I was treated for lunch and my friend was telling me that miso soup was her favorite. She also ordered me a cup. I didn’t like it at all. Haha! I don’t remember if I finished the whole cup but knowing me, I could have had finished it all.
I wasn’t that exposed to Japanese food at that time. I don’t know. My family wasn’t that adventurous when it comes to food. I think it was just one of the few times I’ve been to Teriyaki Boy. And Teriyaki Boy at that time was the closest to Japanese food as one can get. Of course, there’s Tokyo Tokyo but Teriyaki Boy is fine dining. HAHA.
So why am I writing about miso soup? Wala lang, may tira pa kasi kaming Yabu miso soup kanina for lunch. And this inspired me to write about it. I didn’t like miso soup then but now it has easily become one of my comfort food. Thank you to my officemates who regularly dragged me to Yabu and Ramenagi. Pag stressed kasi kami sa office, we go out for lunch. And ‘yung amoy palang ng miso soup, it centers you. The anxiety and stress, nawawala. And today, being the first work day of the year.
If you know me well, I think walang may alam except my parents. I’ve always had first day jitters. First day sa school, every year and even sa work. Especially now that I’ve crossed my 10 year milestone, I’m anxious to do what’s right each time. Extra anxious because of the pandemic, and if you’ve been inside our house, nakaka-anxious talaga. Haha! Today, I’m just glad we had leftover miso soup.
I’ve been looking forward for 2020 to finish ever since its started not only because of the pandemic (or all the other events that came with it) but also because it would mark my 10th year in the workforce. I tried to be more active in blogging but I just couldn’t find the energy to finish a post. If you can only see all my unfinished drafts. I have a lot of ideas but I can’t seem to put them into words or at least finish them with a coherent thought.
I ought to write what I had learned in my 10 year up and down journey as an employee. How I didn’t intend to stay at a company for 10 years. My first job. How I as a millennial, was an outlier and was expected to jump from one company to another, take up masters or open a business of my own. Be the boss and not the employee. How I worked hard to be promoted and failed. How I almost resigned. Or how I drowned myself in travel and countless activities just to move on. How I finally got promoted. How everything came full circle in the last five years. How I realized the wisdom I gained from the last decade. That I was on the moving towards the right end of the normal curve of the workforce age range. I was older but wiser.
But scrap that. ( Passive-agressive much? Haha! ) Everything you need to know is in some other self-help post anyway. I don’t want to babble about the same things I wrote in my 5th year post.
Maybe the pandemic made realize that my experiences weren’t special. My journey wasn’t something I can put on a story time session in Tiktok. It was what it was. Working and earning money. Friends coming and going. Fleeting accomplishments.
I’d like to believe that I made a mark in the workforce. That I was one of the best. Or at least I did my job well. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe it was all in my head. Or maybe not.
At the end of the day, I’m just as replaceable as anyone else.
When I was young, I dreamed of changing the world. This is the vision of Amiciness. Don’t get me wrong. It’s still a dream. But yeah, the pandemic has really left me on a state of limbo. I still do my best each time. Each time. But I do wonder if it is even worth it.
Ever since I could remember, I have always loved to sing. I would sing every song during mass. Or belt out “Anak ng Pasig” playing on our old karaoke radio. My first public performance was during a family reunion where I sang Jose Mari Chan’s “Christmas in Our Hearts”. Discovering videoke channels on cable TV, I would sing when I was alone on lazy summer afternoons. I even asked my parents to buy me a Walkman with a recorder (for the youths reading: it’s a portable music player; like an iPhone but without all of the features save for listening to music).
I love to sing but… I wasn’t great, even good, at it. I learned the hard truth when I was a freshman in high school. The day that made me stop singing. Actually no, I still did sing but it was the day I believed I couldn’t sing and could not be better at it ever.
(more…)
You see I’ve waited all my life… for this moment to arrive. Yes friends, I finally got promoted. *cries* Since most of you already know the story and I really don’t want to get into the details (some are already blurry anyway), I will keep this short.
I always dreaded the end of July, when promotions are released at work. I would cry and drown myself in self-pity every year since 2013 or 2014 (not sure). My heart broke each time I saw the “list” without my name on it. Eventually, I had to stop looking. I stopped congratulating others and pretended it was just an ordinary day. I learned to plug my ears and fake my smiles. Rude, but it hurt that much.
Year after year, friends and colleagues went up the corporate ladder. Some resigned and got better offers elsewhere. On the other hand, I was stuck, on the same level that I’ve been in since I first got this job.
The first couple of years were especially hard. I literally sobbed all day: after waking up, while taking a shower, during my commute (yes, even in public transport), and before going to sleep. Maybe I was immature or I might have overreacted, or my hormones were all over the place. I don’t know. Ang alam ko lang masakit.
The sadness inevitably turned into bitterness and anger. I felt the never-ending need to prove myself. To prove that I was better. That I deserved that spot.
Even though I was spiraling, I was willing to do everything to stop feeling that way:
I started with my hair. Different color: I dyed it light brown. Different hairstyle: crewcut, semi-kalbo, and even a perm, a.k.a. Cedie hair.
I joined company events. Became an organizer of sports and charity events. I met other employees (some with the same promotion stories as mine) and became friends with them.
I joined acting and theater workshops to have an outlet for my emotions. I even gained more friends and widened my circle outside work, which was a nice bonus.
I enrolled in drawing lessons to feed my damaged ego. To feel the validation of at least being good, or better, at something.
I shopped a lot. Duh.
I took voice lessons. It was way out of my comfort zone but something I have always wanted to do.
I traveled. I broadened my perspective by seeing and experiencing different places. Cliche, I know, but it made me realize that I’m just a speck of dust (or even littler) in this vast universe.
Name it, I said yes to it, I did it. Zumba, yoga, dancing lessons, networking, everything.
I also prayed a lot. I’ve memorized the Serenity Prayer and all other prayers that granted wishes. I cried each night asking God to make everything stop; I almost quit my job. I just wanted to escape everything: the insecurity, disappointment, and all of these other negative emotions. I thought of joining the others who have left company and, regardless of the risks, start over in a new environment.
I just wanted to stop feeling sad and bitter.
I just wanted to be happy.
Anyway, I didn’t resign but I transferred to a slightly different post. Little by little, I was able to move on. I focused on what my purpose was: to help people in the organization. I wanted to be of value and not just someone who aims promotions.
My various activities helped. Theater and voice lessons thought me how to recover. One bad performance won’t define me forever. I just had to do my best the next time and the next after that.
Occasionally, I still felt sad and insecure about not being promoted. Like times when people would assume that I was already holding a higher position. Or when younger and newer employees would get promoted before me. Or when people I help get promoted again and again.
I’m not gonna lie. My wounds are still healing but for the time being, I am happy and content.
My career came to a full circle in the last two years. The people I dealt with were the same people I met in either my early years in the company or in my many “extra-curricular” activities in the office. It made it easier for me to interact with them and accomplish what we were supposed to do. My job was also familiar as it was similar to my first job. The knowledge and wisdom I gained through the years helped me become what I am now. I get teary eyed when I think about it.
I guess my stars aligned this time.
Thank you to everyone who was part of this journey. Thank you.